For the little sister's brother's eyes to read.

2005-11-26T20:48:00.000-08:00

*sigh*

It's unbelievable how long I can...

So yeah here it goes. You have every right to know this no matter how disturbing it may be to you.

I've been crushing on the same person for an incredibly long time. Only person too. Don't know what to do though. Never have. Look for opportunities but the window is too small. Thought maybe I had a chance around LA and all-state stuff since I was seeing so much of his school. Realized I was a fool though cause Lacy liked him too.

I was really upset, and if it wasn't for my spy from his school, I probably would have stayed depressed until I could get over him, which I was doing a terrible job of. But she kept calling me back to tell me things. Wonderful things that I didn't need to know. I liked him, and felt betrayed by Lacy. I knew what she was up too. Because I had my spy. I forced myself to stop, I so believed, but I was lying to myself.

One day I broke down and told Lacy the truth. It was after unity try-outs when I was mad at her for a billion and one things. Things had progressed and problems had changed. I had avoided her originally because of him and what I didn't know, it became because I didn't like her at all. Then that changed after a lengthy talk. Although I knew she was attracted to him and that she didn't really like him, but how can you tell someone that?

Three months later we went to choir camp. She magically became my room mate. I was unsure of how that would be. She still liked him at the time. I was pretending not to. We talked about everything every day except for that fact. He was there. When I'd see them around each other I'd cringe and ran away to my spy. But she had a bigger problem, so I could not talk about my little crush. He acted so weird. I didn't understand it. I thought maybe it was my imagination. Maybe it wasn't. I saw weird things. That's what I saw. Luckily this time we made the same ensemble unlike before. That was better than the mass choir. I was going to end the crush at choir camp and fly away. That's what was suppose to happen. But it didn't. It got worse. I like him much more now. I'm so confused. I was really confused then. The ACT the next day really sucked... I don't understand him. That's a first for me to not understand a person at best. During that last choir camp dance I kept seeing him around... Lacy pulled him away... I let her... that was dumb... I followed later... seemed weird the way he was... a girl passed out... choir camp ended. Now I don't know what's going on. Went home highly upset. Tracked where he was through xanga and my spy. Couldn't wait for all-region try-outs. It gave me hope. I worked my butt off on the music. Saw him there. He stared at me. That was weird. I didn't make it, he made 2nd... last year 1st... I was sad. Because now I thought I'd never get another chance. My spy tried to cheer me up, but deep down I was hurting. I couldn't figure out this nasty puzzle.

A few weeks later was Lacy's birthday. He was there and so was I. It was just as weird. Maybe even weirder. But everyone knew I liked him including him. He kept sitting by me, which drove me crazy, but there were only five people... no biggie. Lacy hasn't liked him for a long time. But I couldn't talk to her about it. Days, weeks past and I was driving myself crazy. I went to the all-region choir concert and walked right by him. I WALKED RIGHT BY HIM. How horrible is that? I still can't talk too well. What a shame after how weird it was at Lacy's party. That was a couple of weeks ago. I was upset for awhile. Heard maybe he'd come to Christmas Feast, and that cheered me up. But I don't know if that's true. I broke down and told Lacy I still like him on the net, she said we were super cute and I was confused as to what the heck that meant. That's about all she said. I tried desperately to break it out of her. So now here I sit after talking to Lacy desperately thinking what can I possibly do? I've never known, but I running out of time. If only I had made all-region. If only I was going to all-state again. Then I wouldn't be so frightened. This is so stupid. I just want it to end. Maybe Christmas Feast. Just maybe. Is it in my head? Could he possibly like me too?

yourlittlesiser__

For the little sister's brother's eyes to read.